The Struggle Bus

For the past month, I’ve let old habits get the best of me. I’ve been too scared to run. Between an achy ankle (achy for no reason) and my current weight, I fear injury and a painful time running so much that I’ve let it get in my way. School happening, an up and down complicated relationship that had come to an abrupt final stop, a change in my medication dosage, and I’ve been feeling lost. I’ve been struggling but not giving up.

I fear I won’t be able to train for the races I’ve registered for and 3 of them are beyond important to me. As in, I would only miss them if I was injured.

Then there is the emotional/stress eating. That is my #1 inhibitor to my well-being, my health.

But I know at the core of it, is my heart and my mind. I need to be single, to have a relationship with myself until I am feeling myself, until I’m feeling whole again. I can’t afford to share my heart at this point. It’s too crushed.

I’ve backed away from friends, from loved ones, and have turned inward to reflect, to think about what I need to do now, tomorrow, the next day, and I’m trying to find my focus again. I’ve been going to the gym and that has been helping, but today is the first day where I am feeling final about it, that I need to push myself forward, to improve on me, to love me. And I needed to get those thoughts down here.

Thank god that this has not affected school or work…I am thankfully rocking those still.

Rising Phoenix. That is what I am.



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